When “Being Nice” Backfires: Setting Limits with a Self-Focused Friend
My colleagues and I in the counseling and coaching field, all face a dilemma around communication with someone in our life. What do we do if we are in a relationship where the other person talks non-stop? If we turn our back on them, look at our phones or look away, they keep talking and don’t notice that we aren’t paying attention.
Those of us in the counseling, coaching or HR field are trained to listen. If we are around that person, why don’t we hold up our hand and say “enough?” Often, the person never gets around to asking about you. It is easy to feel tired or resentful after being around them.
Here are some things to consider:
It can be hard to set boundaries, but as helping professionals, we do it all the time with clients. We know that if we don’t, sessions could become unmanageable, and it can impact treatment.
Sometimes people develop patterns that they aren’t aware of. It can be habit, or maybe they are used to being able to dominate others. People in their life struggle to manage them and their behavior continues. Some are the oldest sibling in a large family or the youngest and they had to be “pushy” to be heard.
It is common to be uncomfortable with silence and some people feel that they have to fill in gaps.
Self-focus is reinforced over time. Talking can be seen as connecting to a person, so the minute a person appears, the individual is off to the races.
Some people over function in relationships due to their training around being a therapist.
You may have trouble with confrontation and convince yourself that the person will change. Maybe you have let things go on too long in the past and when you spoke to someone, they lashed out and ended the relationship.
One of the biggest problems is letting an issue go on too long. When you start to experience a person who dominates a conversation, it is best to speak up sooner rather than later to avoid establishing a pattern.
Sample Boundary Phrases:
I can only talk briefly today; I have a bunch of appointments.
I enjoy catching up with you, however I’ve noticed sometimes it’s hard for me to get a word in. It would be great if you could make some space for me to share as well.
Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.
